Category Archives: Communication

Shared Priorities

September 23, 2018 MLE Leave a comment

Happy couples have shared priorities.

Yes, by all means; career goals, financial budgeting, parenting approaches, retirement plans, blah, blah, blah.

All of those are shared priorities for the future, for the long run. But those are not the shared priorities of everyday bliss. They will not help you achieve a happy and successful relationship for the day to day.

There is a secret to a happy relationship and I am going to share it with you.

Do everything you can to make your partner happy. Ensure that they have the same goal.

If you are making them happy…

and they are making you happy….

happiness all around!

It is really that simple. That is the shared priority. Know your partner’s priorities and make them your own.

Clearly, this calls for an example.

Let me start by saying, do not compromise on what matters most. This method will not help you if you haven’t already picked a partner worth fighting for.

After a failed marriage, I realized that I had betrayed myself. I had fooled myself into ignoring the attributes that I had once held highest when choosing a partner. To me, one must possess an unflappable work ethic, a kind heart and capable hands. Once I reestablished my sure grasp of those character traits, I found my true love, to whom I married. These three attributes are the foundation of the man, husband, and father he is and why I love him so.

This, unfortunately does not mean that we brought the same priorities to the relationship. For the big picture future goals everything aligned. It was the small, everyday expectations that we just assumed our alike hearts would agree upon. They didn’t.

And I bet either do yours.

That being said, my partner likes for specific places in our home to be tidy and clean. This, I refer to as ‘showcase‘ clean. You may already be nodding with agreement, and I would nod too if these places were the kitchen, the bathroom, or even the front foyer. Nope, my husband wants the laundry room to be spotless. Yep, that room also known as the mudroom.

He once dedicated an entire day to clean this area to his liking. In doing so, he moved all which made this room functional into the garage. To be fair, when he was finished, it was showcase clean. It was a spotless, shiny, and useless laundry room, just like a Home Depot floor display.

To be clear, I don’t get it. The need to have the room that is meant to be hidden away behind closed doors clean, over all other rooms in the house, is beyond my comprehension. I mean, we keep that cat’s litter box in the laundry room, for Pete sake. However, I do try to keep the washer and dryer clear of clutter and the floor free of laundry when I can. On the flip side, he returns the favour by refraining from hanging things on the banister at the bottom of the stairs – which drives me crazy.

When we were first together hats, coats, and bags could often be found dangling in the middle of the living room from the railing of the stairway in centre view of the front door. Grrrrrr.

This meeting of the minds or sharing of the priorities did not come easily. It came after an explosive argument.

We all believe that we are easy to live with. Your partner would disagree. Just ask them. Have an open conversation. Do not make it a competition. Listen. Do not get defensive.

If they are brave enough to share with you what irks them, be strong enough to accept what you hear.

Be prepared to express your priorities too- again not a competition. You do not need to ‘out do‘ their uncapped toothpaste complaint by lashing out about the swallow of milk they left in the fridge, that, honestly had not bothered you before the conversation began. In addition to listening and not getting defensive, take a moment to pull on a thicker layer of skin if you haven’t already got one.

It is also important to understand that this takes time. Just by expressing your priorities to your partner does not mean that they adopt them as their own immediately. Again, I still don’t get the need to have the dryer top clear. It took a long time for me to stop myself before haphazardly emptying my arms onto the first surface when coming into the house from the garage. The drier is a natural catch-all. Avoiding unloading there was a process.

At first, I would make the laundry room part of my tidying routine. Once I realized that the clutter collecting on the drier was mostly mine, I began curbing the habit.

Do not get me wrong. When things are hectic, the house is a mess, and I am dropping more balls than juggling, I have to admit the driers’ cleanliness is the first to fall off my priority list. Why? Because, the drier top is not my priority.

It is natural for the priorities of others to be the first dismissed or ignored when distracted. It is also really easy to dump my things on the drier when I see a rogue backpack looped over the banister of the stairs. This, I know is 80% petty, but 100% honest.

Hey, I said that the theory was simple, not the practice.

But, imagine how wonderful life would be if your partners’ aim everyday was to meet your priorities. If their number one goal was to make you happy, how easy would it be to match that goal? Sounds pretty incredible, right? So why not have the conversation. Start there.

Make your partner’s priorities your priority. When they do the same…

…that is the

Shared Priority

Communication, Couples Communicate, Shared Secrets

Argument Aftermath

September 21, 2016 MLE Leave a comment

Address the Issue

communication dos and don'ts — Argument Aftermath

Dos

If you sweep things under the rug, eventually someone will trip over the lump.

In my experience, it is best to wait for the fire to die out before revisiting the source of the inferno. For the passionate, this is not easy.

Be patient

It is all too tempting to hash it out, right there and then, while still flush from its heat. Sometimes this can result in a hefty helping of the Silent Treatment; the heartburn kind. Often, conflict is like an episode of Three’s Company; something or someone has been misunderstood or not completely transparent. Purely open communication is

…the ability to fully express your perspective to your partner and, brace yourself, seeing things from your partner’s perspective.

It is best to wait until both parties are calm and ready to listen to revisit an issue. The aftermath of an argument takes time.

argument aftermath communication dos — Argument Aftermath

Often couple`s therapists will use tools for listening like the ‘speaking rock.’ The person in possession of the rock is the only one allowed to talk. This means that the one without the lump of stone is to listen. Corny! But it works. If nothing else, a huge spotlight exposes how often we interrupt one another – especially when we don’t like what we are hearing.

I once read on Pinterest,

‘Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Steven R. Covey

Something to think about the next time your partner is holding the rock. If an apology is in order, and it probably is, see my article on apologies to better your approach.

Don’t

Do Not Use the Car.

Fight the urge to approach the ‘we should talk’ conversations when driving. Why, you ask?

communication don't use the car — argument aftermath

You have a captive audience. Literally, your partner is trapped with nowhere to go. If they are not ready for this conversation or you are not abiding by the sharing rules of the speaking rock, you will land yourself in a bigger argument and possibly on the receiving end of the Silent Treatment.

Trust me on this. Getting out of the car to walk is so clické, but young couples everywhere have been there. Perhaps, it is their flair for the dramatic. But as we get older no one has time for walking (or the shoes because, let`s face it, these talks always happen when we are dressed up) and more often than not we are on the highway.

Avoid Tight Spaces

Even if you have all the best intentions and you promise yourself not to let the conversation become heated the odds are that it will blow up in your face. Cornered animals tend to jump to the defensive. They turn rabid and snarl. When strapped in and forced to start straight ahead there is nowhere for the anxious energy to go. People need their space and freedom to truly express themselves, especially when threatened. Body placement says a lot about what we are communicating; standing wagging a finger, sitting with crossed arms or even pacing are all conditioned ways to process and respond. We pick these up in our childhood and they are our own coping mechanisms.

Not only does the trapped person need an outlet for this energy but it serves the partner well to bear witness. We take greater cues from one another’s body language than words, especially from our partners.

When a driver is backed into a conversation and stopping is not an option, I promise you that they are visualizing pushing you out of the moving car. Okay, if it was meant to be, they may drop you at the next corner even in their fantasy.

Regardless the mental message is the same; SHUT UP or GET OUT!

But to avoid the drama that would certainly follow that scene, not to mention criminal charges, the driver may opt to white knuckle the rest of the drive. They may pick up speed and begin to drive recklessly and erratically. Do not kid yourself. They are not distracted by the conversation. They are trying to get home as fast as they can to get you the hell out of the car.

Recap

Do not confuse the passenger seat with a soapbox or the car with an interrogation room. If…I mean when, an ugly conversation needs to take place, let it be somewhere that offers an escape. At least at home, if a door has to slam, no one is left on the side of the road (in uncomfortable shoes).

Communication, Sex

The Silent Treatment

May 30, 2016 MLE Leave a comment

Let’s Hear it for the Silent Treatment!!

Of course, it is juvenile and immature. Not talking to someone is no way to behave.

Is it?

Never go to bed angry?

Who said that? Clearly, they have never argued with me or anyone to whom I have ever disagreed. There would be no sleeping if we were to hash it out before going to bed. No, thank you.

I would consider my heated form of communication passionate, however, my husband would call it an ugly display of rage. Either way, when I finally do lose my temper, it can be verbally explosive. Please do not confuse this with being abusive. I have a double bladed tongue that mercilessly jabs back in quick concessions when provoked. Depending on how long I have been holding my tongue and how deep my teeth have had to sink in determines how relevant, ancient, and fair the blows are once I have unleashed my thoughts through words. It isn’t pretty and contrary to the belief of those in the path of my wrath, I am not proud of myself nor do I gain any satisfaction in winning an argument in this way. Once the dust settles, there is no way around it, I have said hurtful things to someone I love and care about. It does not matter if what I have said is true. The manner in which I have expressed these thoughts is inexcusable and unnecessary. What is said can never be taken back and is not easily forgiven.

Can your rage sometimes lead to a verbal backlash? If so, then you know what I am talking about. It is actually better to go to bed angry than to voice the words roiling in your head. Stepping back and taking a breath allows you time to calmly check your anger and frustration into a reasonable, respectful argument. This approach is better for everyone. It has taken many years, countless apologies, and some lost relationships for me to learn this lesson.

Do not knock the silent treatment. It has its own purpose, within reason. However, not talking to someone is the easy part. Breaking the silence once the treatment has been doled out, is the pride swallowing, ego crushing challenge. This is where I fail. When I am giving my husband the cold shoulder and I drag it out, everything begins to break down. We stop eating at the table and start sleeping separately. There is no disagreement from me when he takes a pillow and blanket to the couch to watch the game nor does he stop me from occupying the spare room during this award times. We actually convince ourselves that the kids are none the wiser when we blame the separate sleeping on daddy’s snoring.

silent treatment - trips, tricks and warnings — silent treatment

When you wear your stubborn streaks like a coat of armor, don’t expect it to be comfortable.

Now, we know better.

When we are no longer sharing a table or bed our communication is severed and our marriage is ultimately in trouble.

Do not get me wrong, I am still a silent treatment kind of girl. To some, it makes no sense. It seems immature and a waste of time. It must be understood, that it is out of maturity and self-awareness that I stay silent. I know that my words can cut deep and leave marks that no apology can erase. It is out of kindness and necessary restraint that I use silence. I go to bed angry so that I can wake up clear headed and ready to communicate fairly without wavering topic or reaching back in time beyond reasonable limits. But now I know the sooner we meet the sooner we can talk, heal, learn, and grow with one another. The onus to break the silence is on me; the one whom initially cut off communication.

Ah, the apology without actually saying I’m sorry. Because it’s not really an apology, it’s a declaration of not being mad anymore. It doesn’t even mean that I am ready to talk about ‘it.’ Only willing to start from here.

silent treatment tips, tricks and warnings — silent treatment

I do this by pulling two wine glasses out of the cupboard and leaving them out with a bottle of Cabernet. I am not presumptuous enough to pour, for it is very likely that my husband is angry with me and not ready to sit and chat. So, it is up to him to fill the glasses and join me in a conversation. Then we can make up.

((I have advice on that too))

Communication, Sex

All a Marriage Needs

May 17, 2016 MLE Leave a comment

A wise man once said that a marriage needs only a table and bed.

Where do you eat? Sleep? Revisit the table and bed to help restore your relationship.

tools to save your marriage - table and bed — marriage tools

Communication is key!

This we know. But how and when can we sit and talk?

Consider courting. Most new couples relish going for dinner. We have conditioned ourselves to have our most intimate conversations while dining or entangled in bed. Sharing meals and pillow talk are essential to a successful relationship. When one or both are not being met, it is usually a true indication of trouble.

It was during a wedding ceremony that I experienced this enlightenment. My husband was an usher, and I sat alone in the pew listening to the minister. He began by gently poking fun at the young couple’s blissful obliviousness to their future struggles. This, of course, earned a chuckle or two from the more mature members of the congregation. In fact, I remember my husband finding my eyes to share a knowing glance.

At the time, we were secretly seeing a marriage counselor. So, we were no strangers to the struggles of which the minister spoke. Somehow, we managed to squeeze a few kid-free hours out of our already hectic weeks to see a therapist. After a month and a half of faithful sessions, many tried exercises, and countless dollars, the one thing we could agree on was that the therapy was not working. Yet, fifteen minutes into a wedding, I learned all I needed to know to recognize the markers of a troubled relationship. Who knew that advice came at the cost of a pedicure and an appliance from the bride and groom’s registry? Little did the new couple know that they had given us the greater gift.

a marriage needs a table and a bed. Share a meal and pillow talk to repair your fractured communication — Table – share a meal

I do not cook, and my second-hand table has been hurting to be refurbished for years.

That aside, ever since I realized the importance of the table, I consider it our meeting place as a family and as a couple. It is there that we share meals, talk about our day, play cards, drink wine, and pour over the weekly fliers.

At times, it is with great effort that we fight the urge to flop in front of the television with our plates on our laps. This we used to do all too often. Now, I understand that our meals are sacred. When we know beforehand that we will not be home for dinner, we try to outdo ourselves with brunch. And on those ‘eat in a hurry’ nights, my husband and I try to remain at the table and continue to connect while the kids rush to get ready for whatever extracurricular they have. This is just a simple concept made more difficult with the hustle and bustle of everyday lives. But it is important to find the time and worth it in the long run.

I seriously considered that minister’s words, and they all rang true. I do not regret divorcing my first husband, but I often reflect on how regularly we ate in front of the television and slept in separate beds. For the most part, we got along just fine. This happened because we had nothing to talk about. Perhaps, if I had understood the importance of the table and bed to communication; the cornerstone to any relationship, we never would have married.

Now, my greatest fault is that I am guilty of the silent treatment. When I am giving my husband the cold shoulder, everything breaks down. The first thing to go is sitting at the same table, which further fractures our connection. Then, one of us resigns to the couch or the spare bedroom, which physically severs our ability to communicate. By not sitting at the table or sharing a bed, we have annihilated any chance of coming together. Eventually, one of us will prepare dinner and purposefully set the table. When we meet there, we know not to discuss the tender issue at the crux of our argument. To sit at the table is a silent agreement to push past for the sake of a meal. There will be time enough to rehash the conflict once the dishwasher is on and the kids are in bed. Or not. Some arguments can pass without convincing the other person that you are right.

Pillow talk, however, needs no explanation. It is inherently intimate and not only because of its simplistic correlation to sex. We are at our most vulnerable when in bed. It is where we sleep, retreat to when we are unwell, make love, lounge naked, or wear pajamas not suitable for public display. Nowhere else are you as truly yourself than in bed. There, couples share everything and bear it all. Meet there.

Let it be said, a marriage needs only a table and bed.

Still not convinced? Then, consider the most popular advice given to couples undergoing a rough patch. The two of you need a weekend getaway, a vacation, a night out. This implies going out for dinner and getting a hotel room. Strip it down…

EmilyWrights