Today, was a bad day. Up until now, I was holding it together; work, the demands of the girl’s summer extracurricular activities,  the house work, mountains of laundry, all correspondence with the insurance company, and the droves of paper work involved with replacing the car. Everything was being managed just fine until It wasn’t.  The dentist office called. I had forgotten all of our appointments; a failure to not show is subject to a monitory penalty. That’s when it began to unravel.

Screw the slippery slope analogy. It was like grasping at a drop of ink in a glass of water. I became so overwhelmed that everything stopped. I could see, and hear, and breathe but I had no thought; no brain function whatsoever. There was no recollection of anything, let alone an obligation that I had committed to months earlier. The nothingness of my thinking was terrifying!

I have no idea how long the void in my mind lasted but I winded up being late to pick Abbey up from camp. There she was, with a look of contempt and annoyance that only a teenager could master. Her camp instructors dismissed my being late like it was no big deal, but I could tell they had been put out by it.  So, the cherry on top of my day was knowing that as soon as I was out of ear shot, I was going to be verbally crucified and judged.  Not one of those spandex coated, twenty something, Taylor Swift want-to-bes could last a day in my shoes.

Oh, and Tom has set up a futon in the spare bedroom. What kind of a fool would rather sleep on a futon than with his wife? He won’t tell me what it was that I said or did at our annual Canada Party that pissed him off, but he has relegated himself to the den.  He needs to lighten up. We all had too much to drink that night.  It was a holiday after all.

Journal Entry – unknown author

August 6, 2015

It has been a really long time since I updated my journal. Much has happened, most of which I have yet to come to terms with.
I think Tom is having an affair. He is still in the spare room and goes out of his way to ignore me while being extra attentive to the girls. He is always taking them to dinner or going to the movies. Clearly over compensating for something…like a girlfriend.

We got into a huge fight a few weeks back because I called him on his bullshit. I could not take him anymore. So, I was going to go back to work. It didn’t matter that it was 2 a.m. I was fine. There is a couch in the staff lounge room that I could have used and given myself an early start in the morning. Lately, I have been fallen really behind on my billing – I needed to be there.

Instead of begging me to stay or showing a morsel of compassion, my husband, my life partner, called the cops.

I hadn’t a clue this had happened until a constable showed up at the door. Imagine my surprise when my doorbell went off at such an absurd hour. Larger than life, the young armed man, as condescending as possible, insisted on seeing all persons in the home with his own eyes. He humiliated me in front of my daughters by telling me that I had obviously been drinking and was in no shape to drive. I have never been so outraged. Right there in the front foyer this man-child, all of 25 years old was directing Tom to gather extra bedding so that I could ‘retire’ to the basement. Where I could drink and rant all I wanted without disturbing the rest of the house. He refused to leave, until I promised to ditch the idea of going to work and sleep it off in the basement.

There had been a cruiser in my driveway for over a half hour. This is not something that my neighbours would soon forget. I was so horrified by the spectacle Tom created that I called in sick to work the next day.

I swear, that man is on a mission to render me an incompetent fool so that when he leaves me, he can take the kids and move in with his girlfriend. It is no wonder why I drink.

A girl in Penny’s gymnastics is bullying her. She told me that she didn’t want to go any more. This is heartbreaking for any parent. She loves gymnastics and is so good at it. What do you do? You don’t want to force them to go but you also can’t let the bad behaviour of someone else poison an environment that you love. No one has the right to possess that much power over anyone. I know that this is more about me because Penny hates it when I am late. There are only a few sessions left for the summer and I promised her that I would be there early every night.

Journal Entry – unknown author

September 21 , 2015

After a lot of red tape the new car is finally in the garage. I like it. I would just really rather have the first scratch or dent happen already (and it not be my doing).  It is nerve racking driving something so new and perfect.

Now that I don’t have to take the train any more, I am at work longer hours just to avoid traffic.  This hasn’t been so bad.  Tom and I barely see each other and surprisingly, we get along better when that happens.

I’m okay with everything right now.  The girls are back in school, doing their own things. I am completely off the pain meds and almost have full mobility of my spine again. The promotion I missed out on, while I was on leave after the accident, seems to be up for grabs again. Hopefully, all of the overtime I have been working as of late will play in my favour.  Head down, right? Push through. Just keep going.

The school called me today. I had to leave work to pick up Penny because she had gotten into a fight.  Penny. Fighting. This makes no sense. I couldn’t care less what the principle had to say.  I just wanted to get my daughter home.

One look at her swollen eye and I knew that she wasn’t at fault.  My beautiful baby’s face was puffy and scratched.  The other girl had already left with her parents before I got there. Somehow I believe that the principle had an opinion on how long it took me to leave work and commute the 45mins. I guess I should have been waiting at home by the phone to come get my beaten and bruised daughter from his institutes that I trusted to keep her safe. All I wanted was to meet the other girl. At the very least, I wanted to see her with my own eyes.

Once we got home, I insisted that Penny get out her year book so that I could get a look at the little bitch who laid her hands on my daughter.  It turns out that ‘Belinda’ didn’t go to East Lake high last year.  Penny didn’t have one photo of her.

I don’t know what happened. I must have snapped. The next thing I know Penny had made her own compress and was storming off to her room in tears.  Something had taken hold of me and I was in a blind fury. It was all too convenient that ‘Belinda’ wasn’t at school last year. It was like she magically appeared just after my car accident.

By the time Tom found me, I was just sitting staring out the window mauling over all the thoughts that consumed me.  The accident had been my fault and everyone was whispering about it behind my back.  Everywhere I turned people were sneaking glances at me before turning back to another and speaking low, hushed voices. A woman at Walmart was on her cell talking about how I left Penny at gymnastics because I am a drunk. As soon as she saw me she ended her call.  Now they are getting to me through my daughter.  I couldn’t take it any more.

Journal Entry – unknown author

October 19, 2015

I didn’t get the promotion. They gave it to some ass kisser who has been with the company for all of 10 minutes.  That’s not even the part that pisses me off.  The Senior Partner Ray, had the audacity to suggest that I needed to take some time for myself.  I swear, if I had been a man, it would have been expected that I storm into my boss’ office and confront him about my feeling of being overlooked, underappreciated, and completely dejected. But because it was me, he assumed that I could not handle it and was having troubles at home.  Screw him.

I went home and got drunk. I woke up in a wine soaked sheet on the carpeted stoop in the garage. Inside, the house was quiet. I had no memory of who was home or anything that had happened the night before.  There was a note for me on the kitchen table from Tom.  If what he said was true I could not blame him for leaving. Nothing he quoted me saying sounded familiar. At some point I must have been sucked into my past.  I had never told Tom about my rape but according to him I had accused him of it and last night had not been the first time.

I had never felt so alone and no amount of apologizing would bring my husband back.  The hardest part was that he didn’t seem angry or frustrated. There was an heir of pity and sadness in his words. This hurt even more.

He came home later that afternoon. I had cleaned up and accepted that my secrets and problems were now out in the open. My sweet patient husband took my hand and said that we would fix them together if I stopped drinking. I promised that I would try.

Journal Entry – unknown author

November 22, 2015

  There was not shouting nor were there tears. Tom was not angry nor was he upset either. I had not been keeping my promise. The fact is, I don’t know if I can.  Since, that ugly night when I slept in the garage, I have not gone to bed sober. I can’t explain it. I can’t help it.

  We were sitting calmly in the living room after the girls had gone to bed when Tom told me that it was all right if I wanted to continue the this way.  He just could no longer bear witness to it or allow our girls to live in such an environment.

     All the details had been worked out. Tom would sell the house and he and the girls would move into a smaller place closer to his work. He would help me find an apartment suitable for the girls to come visit if they wanted to. In the meantime, I was to be in basement. He had fixed it up like an in-law suite; for me but also to help the sale of the house.  Of course, if I did not like this arrangement I was free to go live with my mother or sister.

   This did not surprise me or hurt my feelings. Instead, I was empty.  I remember listening to him and thinking I should be sobbing and begging him for forgiveness, promising change or something. The truth was I had nothing. It was the strangest thing. I actually tuned him out to search for an emotion or even a thought.  I had no reaction. I was hollow.

  So, I apologized to him and said I would do whatever it was he felt would be best and I went to bed.

Journal Entry – unknown author

November 26, 2015

This will be my last entry.  I cannot change who I am or what I am.  I am what I am.  I drink. That is what I do. I use it as a reward at the end of a hard day. It is my escape, my handle on coping all that life throws me.  I did not drink during my pregnancies, so I know that I can stop.  But I don’t want to.

I have disappointed Tom and let my girls down.  I can no longer be that woman they expect me to be.  All I do right now is bring them pain, suffering, and disappointment.  I know that their lives will be better without me. I don’t want to hurt them anymore. I don’t want to burden them anymore.  The sooner this is over the sooner they can have the fresh start they deserve.

Tomorrow I have a plan. I am going to make this right.

…continue Tom Wants To Talk.